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| It Kills Us |
| 01.23.05 (11:58 am) [edit] |
My lack of posts. That's what I really want to focus on. Really. Just understand that when I go on to a couple of tangents, they're all connected, like a web, where one broken strand does little to the web, but many makes it fall. [We were dreaming.]
Keeping track of my life through zeros and ones for the world to ignore is more theraputic than it is hindering, but it seems that when I need it most, I can't form the words. I beg to be a fourteen year old, who isn't ashamed of the words that he writes to vent. It isn't happening, I assure you. But I tried. I tried hard. Especially on "Give". [There are moments when I know it.] I wanted to say "Fuck this. Fuck it all. I'm gonna take some pills, drink some booze, hire a hooker, pass out, so fuck you all." Why can't I? Why can't I at least [i]do[/i] that list of closure that works for most of my peers.
Why isn't that me? [Why isn't that me?]
She's not ready for a long-term relationship. I found myself on the friend ladder for being honest, which is a demeaning place to be. Especially for being honest. [Do everything you can. Don't you worry what they tell themselves.] I'm the one that no one falls for unless they are crazy. Erix can attest. Lunchbox can attest.
Unfortunately there's no feeling behind this anymore. There's no passion for me to pass on to you, the reader. [Smile like you mean it]. It's not that it's a chore, persay, but I don't feel the desire to share anything with anyone anymore. [Dreams aren't what they used to be.]
The look in his eyes. So hard to really explain what I saw. Victory, mostly. Perhaps I was just putting things where things don't go, but I saw victory. What was I supposed to do? I took off my schmock and handed in my badge. I was too dead to even care. I was still wearing the clothes from the night before. I can't believe I didn't at least change. I can't believe I even got up and came in. I wasn't feeling it. Not after last night. [I've had it with this game.]
My fingers hurt from being the vessel from which my heart pours. Too much energy, too much emotion, kills. Too much hope, too much passion, disappoints. [Heaven ain't close in a place like this.] Bleeding my life through a text based medium seems so sad and pointless. Especially after that night.
I'm trying, Kendy. I'm trying LB, and Erix, and Process, and Night, and Cowboy, and Twilight, and Punk. I'm trying, but all that's happening is my hands are getting worn and tired. I'm trying Christina. [You would kill for this.]
God-dammit. I'm trying.
--Avarice
[i]-- Existentialism on a Prom Night --
When the sun came up
We were sleeping in
Sunk inside our blankets
Sprawled across the bed
And we were dreaming.
There are moments when
When I know it and
The world revolves around us
And we're keeping it
Keeping it all going
This delicate balance
Vulnerable, all knowing
(Sing like you think no one's listening)
You would kill for this
Just a little bit
Just a little bit
You would kill for this
(Sing like you think no one's listening)
You would kill for this
Just a little bit
Just a little bit
You would... you would
Sing me something soft
Sad and delicate
or loud and out of key
Sing me anything
We're glad for what we've got
Done with what we've lost
All our lives laid out
Right in front of us
(Sing like you think no one's listening)
You would kill for this
Just a little bit
Just a little bit
You would, you would
(Sing like you think no one's listening)
You would kill for this
Just a little bit
Just a little bit
You would
Sing me something soft
Sad and delicate
or loud and out of key
Sing me anything
--
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