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| Lullabies |
| 09.30.04 (7:46 pm) [edit] |
Someones forgot my birthday.
I don't really care though. I spent it with all the people that I SHOULD care about and away from the ones that I SHOULD forget. God dammit, it's hard to forget.
I need to stay away from this topic. I'm in a public place at the moment, and I feel that wave of frustration and sadness that takes place right before I head somewhere to be alone, and I've only written five lines (it will be less after the post, Leezard).
Everyone should go out and purchase a copy of Snow Patrol's album [i]Final Straw[/i]. It has become, by far, my favorite album. I keep singing the words of "Chocolate" (This is the straw, final straw in the roof of my mouth as I write to you) and posting damn near everyone of their songs here.
My birthday was good, so long as my little brother and the Lee were there. After they left, my other brother and I had some talks that made me realize somethings about one of my roommates, which of course makes things much more difficult. He's going to find himself without a home if he keeps fucking around.
I've given a great deal of thought to moving. I can't think of where to go, but I'll figure out something.
I always do.
--Avarice
[i]I am awed by the power of your eyes.
-- Somewhere, A Clock is Ticking --
I've got this feeling
That there's something that I missed
(I could do most anything to you)
Don't you breathe
Don't you breathe
(I could do most anything to you)
Something happened
That I never understood
(I could do most anything to you)
You can't leave
You can't leave
(I could do most anything to you)
Every second
Dripping off my fingertips
(I could do most anything to you)
Wage your war
Wage your war
(I could do most anything to you)
Like a soldier
I say I'm not afraid to die
(I could do most anything to you)
Well, I am scared
I am scared
(I could do most anything to you)
In slow motion
The blast is beautiful
(I could do most anything to you)
Doors slam shut
Doors slam shut
(I could do most anything to you)
A clock is ticking
But it's hidden far away
(I could do most anything to you)
Safe and sound
Safe and sound
(I could do most anything to you)
--[/i]
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| An unfortunate series of events. |
| 09.21.04 (2:48 pm) [edit] |
Well, I've devoted one whole hour to you. Lucky you.
So, as you know, I'm certainly without the internet. On a side note, why does the backspace button click a thousand times louder than the other keys? The series of events that led up to the shutting off of my web is of course of my own doing, as I should have planned for something to happen... but more on this in a bit.
It started as I was at an ATM. I put my card in my wallet and set it on top of the ATM, waiting for the cash to dispense. I looked away for a moment, got the money and my wallet was gone. Much bad came from this, as it had the money for my phone and cable bills, as well as bribery money for Leezard to come visit me (you still better show up, Deathboy). So losing my wallet, I had to buy IDs (I still haven't gotten my military retiree card yet), and without a phone or internet, this is insanely difficult. That aside, a special renter's fee just popped up, so I'm ah... em... screwed. Guess who's roomates are about to start paying.
Anyway, that isn't the point of today. I actually wanted to apologize to my bestest friend, Leezard. Appearentally, I got the wrong impression of what happened when he called, and thusly, he became very saddened. Lee, come up this weekend, and we will eat pizza, watch movies, and drink rum and cokes until the early morn.
That is all.
--Avarice
[i]One of the days, I'll have a happy dog, who will make me happy, and my friends happy, and my whole fridge happy, and we'll all sit around drinking happy drinks and being happy.
-- Made to Wait --
Sometimes I feel a little odd in here
Like everyone is watching me
Darling would, you open the door?
It's gotten a little dull
Who do you think you are?
Something more special than she?
You aren't much except an empty lie
I think you know just what I mean
Lying next you is just like
Lying to your face if I
Could just push through the surface
I would melt the damned word down
Tell me, lover, what do you know
About enough being enough?
An addict lying with her naked suns
Beautiful is just a word
Lying next you is just like
Lying to your face if I
Could just push through the surface
I would melt the damned word down
There is nothing to it
All you have to do is do it
If you're burning on the surface
That's exactly what I had planned.
--
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| Quickly, then I must go. |
| 09.16.04 (2:12 pm) [edit] |
My interweb has been shut off. More later.
[i]-- Ways And Means --
Getting too busy to make amends
I should try to make it right
Are you ready for the shit to hit
I think you say you are but aren't
Doctor, make it better instantly
You're the only one who can
I've waited here my whole damn life
And I've forgotten what I want
Maybe I can do it
If I put my back into it
I could leave her if I wanted
But there's nowhere else that I can go
Maybe I won't suffer
If I find a way to love her
I'd be lying to myself
But there is no way out that I can see
If I lied you'd know it instantly
So I just had to look away
All the honesty I've ever lost
I can't begin to even curse
I never knew the taste of blood till now
It's clear I never should have known
Breathing fire was never this much fun
So there's a dark side in us all.
--[/i]
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| Writer's block, and so much more. |
| 09.12.04 (10:27 pm) [edit] |
It took a lot of vodka to get me to come back here. I had decided that I wouldn't [i]be[/i] back. There's something amazingly disheartening to have people call you *just* to tell you that your blog is depressing (unless you were trying to have Travis get his words in?). If you don't like it, don't read it.
So, I'd decided not to write here anymore, but of course, as habit would have it, here I am. For the time being, until I get me sorted out, I'm going to just post short stories and chapters from the book I'm working on. Comments are appreciated, but not for tbucks or personal gratification; it's good to hear what people think.
On another note, my cousin just messaged me from Iraq. It's good to know he's alive. :)
--Avarice
[i]Show me lonely and show me openings to lead me closer to you. [/i]
-- Untitled --
[i]I wrote this after having a horrible dream about killing a lover of mine. It was truely metaphorical of our entire relationship. Later, my roommate told me a an idea that he had for a game, to which I fused the dream and the story together.[/i]
I lied down in the extremely comfortable chair. One of the perks about being the owner of the den was that when I wanted a bite, I got the most comfortable chair in the house.
Alyssa, my secretary, smiled seductively as she tightened the padded straps that would hold me in place during my trip. I smiled back. To say she was beautiful would be an understatement. To say that I hadn't had an affair with her would be a lie.
I thought about all the things that she could do to me while I was tapped. How I'd love her to do those things. She probably would too. The thought got me excited, and I forgot about the specialist in the room. Surely he was just going on about the camelfly and how it's poison, when administered to the nerves in the upper verebre, humans get an intoxicant equal to that of three tabs of LSD, without the nasty side effects of most drugs, to include addiction. I would halucenate, and be at rest and pretty much escape from this dumb founding reality for a good three hours. I glanced at the clock. It was 3:15. Around 6:30, I would be on my way home, if Alyssa had her way with me.
I felt the plastic tube as the specialist fixed the neck strap. The other end of the tube lead to the camelfly hive, and it wouldn't be long before one of them came and led me to bliss.
*****
I'd been waiting for Kate for about fifteen minutes. I hate to be made to wait, and surely she knew this. This would be the last time, though. The last time.
I took note of the room; the walls were white, pristine and clean. The room, itself, was an oval. The center of the room sunk down about two feet lower than the outer edge of the oval, and was hardly decorated, save a plant on the upper level, and a rounded white couch and a black marble coffee table in the center. On the table was a military issue 9mm pistol.
One of the sides opened and Kate walked in. I looked down to the ground. She didn't deserve me. Her beauty was that of legends. Her hair was always perfect and her skin smooth, even when it wasn't. Her voice was that of angels. Even now, coming to see one such as me, she was dressed in a beautiful white dress that would be considered "decent" on anyone else. It was perfect on her. And she would never be mine again.
I wasn't quite sure of the events that led to her leaving me, but Alyssa was probably one of the main reasons. Either way, I hurt her, and I could see it in her beautiful eyes. I took a step towards her, arms wide, but she backed away. I opened my mouth to speak, but she looked even more frightened. Me head dropped.
My gaze didn't leave the floor as I walked to the M9. Taking it in hand, I looked pleadingly to Kate. Her eyes widened seeing the weapon. Screaming, she ran about the room looking for a way out. I followed her around. There was no way out. I could not be escaped.
Giving up, Kate pressed herself against a wall and begged me not to do anything I "would later regret." Even horribly frightened and crying, she was amazing. I put the barrel of the handgun against her stomach and held her as I pulled the trigger.
Blood errupted from her back as I pulled the trigger until Kate stopped moving. I pulled her close and held her, crying. I loved her. I held her head and kissed her. Her lips parted... she spoke.
****
"Jack! Get up! You're having a bad trip!"
My eyes jolted open. I was in the VIP room, in the den. The clock on the wall said 6:10. I was crying and still strapped down. Next to me, the specialist was checking vitals.
"Sorry sir," he said, "but you were crying. We thought you might be having a bad tapping."
Alyssa, who was holding my head, dried my eyes. "Are you alright? You were..."
"Where's Kate?"
"At home, Jack."
"She doesn't..." I glanced at the specialist, who seemed to be lost in his medical equipment. "I mean... you and I... she..."
Alyssa leaned close. "No, Jack, she doesn't know about us. You were just having a bad trip. It's okay."
I tried to calm down. My heart was still racing from the murder I had just committed, but I hadn't left the spot. That was no tap, I thought. That was too real. That couldn't have been a tap... could it?
--[/i]
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| It's not as if I need the extra weight. |
| 09.08.04 (7:10 pm) [edit] |
[i]A wise woman once tried to explain life to me. As I sat before her, she told me the most amazing analogy I've ever heard. She said, "Inside me is a war between two wolves, one is pure white and the other is dark as onyx. The dark wolf carries with it all things evil; pain, glutteny, lust, anger, grief, avarice and death. The white wolf emblazens the aspects of health, compassion, purity, happiness, joy, and life. They have been fighting for all of my life, and do so even now."
I looked at my grandmother with such confussion that she could read my question before I asked. "But, Gma? Do they not tire?"
"Never."
"But, Gma? Do they not slow?"
"No, baby. They don't."
"But, Gma, if they do not tire or slow, which one will win?"
She smiled. "The one that you feed, my dear. The one that you feed."[/i]
God damn, I'm irritable.
I just want everyone to shut up, and leave me alone. I want some alone.
Wow. I never thought I'd say that and not be lying.
Everything, and I mean [i]everything[/i], has set me off today, from talks of layoffs to neighbors in my house, to pretty much anything else you can think of. I just want there to be me, nothing else.
I'm tired of nights and vodka and work and stupid people and everything. I seriously just want to sleep the next years of my life away and not care. Video games? Fuck them. Friends? Anymore, it seems that friends are a source of a) critisism, b) competition or c) unending requests for favors. I'm tired of love (or lack there of), I'm tired of disappointments and bills and this unrelenting struggle up this cliff of molasses, sliding just enough to think that I'm making it up, but really going nowhere. I'm tired of voices and sounds and feelings. I'm tired of people I used to call brother sleeping with people I'm involved with, then being a bitch when I opt not to see him. I'm tired of cynisism and nestalgia and pretty much everything.
I need someone to save me, but my heroes are all gone; either MIA, dead or sunken to the point of sick corruption that thinking about them makes me feel as if I'm drowning. There's no more shoulders to lean on, no more soldiers to command, no more feelings to feel. I'm not feeding either wolf, so they're tearing eachother apart. I'm so tired of voices, yet I long for one so crisp and pristine that the world itself will fade from existance for me to savor.
--Avarice
[i]I struggle for the words and then give up.[/i]
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| What is it that I'm supposed to do? |
| 09.06.04 (8:35 pm) [edit] |
I'm not quite sure [i]how[/i] I'm supposed to take this news. I know a part of me should be extremely happy for her... I've always wanted to be a father. In that aspect, I'm insanely happy for her.
I am also amazingly disheartened and disappointed. I don't feel like delving into the reasons behind this, as I've done so many, many times before. There's no reason, now.
There's a strange feeling of confliction and an even stranger guilt of this feeling. Like I should be on one side of the fence or the other, but I'm teetering slowly on the fence, when all I really want is to get off the motherfucker and walk away from the whole damned thing. I keep thinking "this doesn't involve you, Av. It never did. It never will. Just leave."
But I can't. It sucks, but I can't. Even just being a bystander is better than nothing.
I don't know. I need a drink.
-- Avarice
[i]You're going to fall in with the right crowd.
-- Run --
I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done
And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak, I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say
To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak, I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say
Slower, slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads
Have heart, my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess
Light up... light up...
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear.
--[/i]
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| "Things" and "Getting Better" |
| 09.06.04 (3:29 am) [edit] |
I'm doing my best to ignore the news I just heard. No, I'm not shocked. Yes, I'm disappointed. I'll go into the better when it's not 5:04am, and I've had more than three hours' sleep. Today's had some rather thought provoking moments that demand more attention than my current disposition and feelings involving you. As for right now, I've got another girl who needs a lashing.
What did you think was going to happen? That everything would be roses? You silly creature. What in the fuck could you think that I'd be all cheery and roses saying "Yay! I'm so glad to hear from you!"? You must have missed that part where you pissed me off to the point that I could never love you. Again. Ever.
I did my best to not cause a scene. Of course, I'm curious as to what you thought you were doing. Perhaps WHO is a better question, but that would be an obvious, pointless low blow. Man, am I punny tonight or what? I did the best possible thing I could do. I ended the scene before it started. "Hey! I haven't seen you in a while."
"Because I moved away from you." No truer words have come from my mouth. I was brutally honest that it made me joyous to see your eyes tear. For the first time in the twoyears we'd spent together, you heard me. I smirked as I walked away from a potential death trap of religious discussions over hot coffee and misinterpretted nestalgia.
It only hit me later how much you deserved that. It was funny that the whole time that I was with you, no one said a word to me, but afterwards... did the masses speak. Not a single person trusted you. They knew what we did. They knew what you did to me. They were afraid of my wrath. No longer do they put on another face to see you. They hate you, Kellie. And with good reason.
It's not my job to be your friend. I don't have to anymore. I don't have to put up with your self-love/hate and horrible self-image any longer. I don't care about you anymore. I moved away from you.
And despite how right I always am [if you don't know me, don't judge, inside joke], I was oh-so-wrong the night we laid together in your car telling you that you deserved better. But you were right when you told me that I did.
--Avarice
[i]It's like that, thank you very much. Fuck you very much.
-- The Union --
I wait around for the still small center
From saint or sinner
Well which one is it?
Just who do you think you are?
Just who do you think you are?
Who did you call to get this?
Is it who I think it is?
I swear to God I'm going to kill him
You always knew it was on purpose
So whats the point if it don't serve it's purpose?
Splintered but focused, you're as good as gold
You're build from distractions, so brilliantly dull
I had a better friend in my worst of plans
Than I ever had in either one of you
Well I never made a scene... well they came to me
Well I never made a scene... well they came to me
I didn't have to, I didn't have to
I never made a scene
I didn't have to, I didn't have to
Well I never made a scene
I always hoped to avoid the issue
Got me alone so I couldn't address you
Home is where you make it, Love
Don't get yourself confused
Besides, what's it to you?
I traded my conscience for your
For your confidence
Attacked my lungs with lies to pass the time
Made states move like regular days
Well I never made a scene... well they came to me
Well I never made a scene... well they came to me
I didn't have to, I didn't have to
I never made a scene
I didn't have to, I didn't have to
Well I never made a scene
I never made a scene
They came to me
I never made a scene
Well I never made a scene... well they came to me
Well I never made a scene... well they came to me
I didn't have to, I didn't have to
I never made a scene
I didn't have to, I didn't have to
Well I never made a scene
--[/i]
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| A high-speed impact would have been better. |
| 09.01.04 (5:02 pm) [edit] |
So there I was, going 90 to keep up with the speed demon in front of me. If I lost her again, I would never find this accursed creek, and then Sinder and Fish would be dry. Happy for the man named after burning wood, sad for the man named after a water-breathing animal.
Suddenly, the speed demon became a stopped vehicle. Thinking back on my in-depth crash prevention courses in driver's ed (although, i'm sure the first thing they said was "don't speed"), I expertly maneuvered to the left, into the oncoming traffic. My basic physics course came to mind: if I was going 90, and they were going, say, the speed limit (65), we'd hit as if we hit a wall going 155mph, we'd all die, and the mess of cars would continue going the direction I was headed at 25mph, until friction, brakes, and dragging metal were added into the equasion. I can't really tell you why I was thinking about what direction I'd be travelling in after I was dead, but hey, that probably wasn't the best option.
Thinking that left was a bad option, I decided to head for the right in a professional stuntman style. Unfortuanately, the right shoulder was coated in a big cluster of eleventeen year olds, which, if I opted to head that way, it would become a big, [i]gooey[/i] cluster of eleventeen year olds, and try as I might, I could not get the car to magically go backwards. Believe it or not.
So I did the only sane thing I could comprehend. I braked as much as I possibly could, and pointed my car at her left rear fender.
I guess I made the wrong decision.
Okay, in my defense, I didn't know that my insurance was up, but I had a hankering that it was. Sure enough, there was a problem with the direct deposit going to Progressive, and my insurance was cancelled. Still, that won't hold up in court.
Yes, it appears I will be going to court.
This is a stupid manuever on her part. Her lawyer will claim that it's my fault as I should have never been on the road without insurance. My lawyer will say "She shouldn't have a) stopped without warning, b) been speeding in the first place, causing me to speed to keep up, and c) been smoking marijuanna and drinking alcohol."
God, I LOVE eleventeen year olds.
--Avarice
[i]new post plz lv comnt[/i]
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